Ah ... ummmm ... errrr ... nevermind.

How work goin?  Lemmie tell you how work is going…

10:00 AM — Virus attack.  Accounting department is up in arms.

Accounting Manager: “My Antivirus program says it found and removed a potential threat?!  What do I do!? Don’t you guys protect us against these things!?”

Me: “As long as it said it found and removed it, then you’re fine.  You only have to worry about the ones it DOESN’T see.”

Accounting Manager: “Well how do I know I’ve got a virus if the anti-virus doesn’t tell me about it?”

Me: “Well, it depends on the virus, generally bad things will start happening … anything from your computer slowing down to total destruction of your data and/or operating system.”

Accounting Manager: “That just not acceptible.  You need to be researching better anti-virus software then.”

(I gave up at this point.)

10:15 AM — Same virus attack … different person.

Sales Manager: “Yeah, I’ve got a virus.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s been going around various departments all morning.  Not to worry, the anti-virus software is catching and removing it.”

Sales Manager: “Well, that Antivirus software just slows the machine down, so I uninstalled it. I’d never even had a virus … until now.”

(I bit my tongue … hard … at this point.)

1:00 PM — “That user” … the one every IT department has on a wanted poster on their wall … calls.

Remote Sales Guy: “I’m supposed to be on a webex right now and I can’t figure out how to get it to work.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Remote Sales Guy: “I can connect to webex okay, but when I go to dial the conference call, it disconnects my Internet.”

Me: “Do you have a filter on your DSL line?”

Remote Sales Guy: “I don’t have DSL.  I use my cell phone as a bluetooth modem.  But it disconnects the Internet when I go to make a call.”

Me: “Yeah, a lot of older phones do that.  You’re not going to be able to use the phone and the Internet at the same time.”

Remote Sales Guy: “Then I need you to show me how to fix it so it doesn’t.”

Me: “It’s not me, it’s a limitation of your phone.”

Remote Sales Guy: “Well then it’s your job to call the phone company and figure out how to get this to do what I need it to do.”

Me: “Well, it’s not a company-issued phone.  It’s your personal phone, which we don’t support.  And besides, there isn’t much that can be done if I call their technical support from Indianapolis, when the phone I’m calling about is with you in Chicago?  Why don’t you have a land line or a broadband connection at your house?”

Remote Sales Guy: “Because I’m never here.  I do everything with this phone.”

(There were some vague threats about me taking the heat if we lost the account because of my incompetence — but, I didn’t hear them because I was busy banging my head against the wall … it felt good.  I’ve also issued standing orders with my people that the next time he is in the office, I will give a big fat raise to whomever manages to steal or hide that !$#@& phone.)